Tuesday, February 25, 2014

One month

Today marks one month from the death of my daughter.  One month of the longest days of my life.  Bob and I are moving through our days trying to find our way.  We continue to ask why,we continue to struggle to make sense of things. I look for a sign, a feeling , something that connects me to Nickie.  Something that makes me feel like she is still with me, watching over me, guiding me.  She is of course always in my heart and mind.  I love and miss you Nickie.

Monday, February 17, 2014

What is the one thing you would change if you had the chance?

I read at blog post yesterday that asked that question.

First I would have to tell you what happened.

Today marks one month from the start of a chain of events that mark the worst days of my life.  On January 17, 2014 my beautiful daughter Nickie had a cardiac and respiratory arrest.  I was faced with having to perform CPR on my baby girl.  It is a complete fog of a memory I wish I didn't see every time I close my eyes.  I was able to revive her and we were escorted to the hospital in an ambulance.  After every possible attempt was made and Nickie was placed on ice to help reduce the swelling of her brain, it was determined on 1/20/14 that she would never wake up again.  Nickie had ceased being Nickie.  Her brain had suffered excessive damage and we had to make the decision that no parent should ever have to make.  We had to remove her from life support.  We gathered all our family together on a day that should have been a joyous celebration, on 1/21/14 my husband and I were supposed to be celebrating our 30th wedding anniversary, instead we were gathered to take my daughter off of life support and begin to say goodbye.

We were all so fortunate to have been graced with having Nickie in our lives. Nickie taught all of us so much and touched so many people with her beautiful  infectious smile, strong will to live and even when she was showing her frustrations and trying to push your buttons you just couldn't help but love her.  After several grueling days of what was utter torture for our family Nickie went to be with the Lord on 1/25/14, I was fortunate to be there holding you in my arms as you took your last breath.  It only seemed right I was there when you entered this life I had to be there when you left it.  I have to remind myself daily that she is now in heaven with my father and her great grandmother where she no longer has the challenges she faced on earth.  Up in heaven she is running free of her wheelchair and the physical and mental challenges she had here on earth.  Somehow this does not comfort me as I would rather her be here with me.

The pain that I feel daily, hourly, is horrific.  I miss her more everyday.

So if I could change one thing, it would be to change the events that lead to her tragic death.  I wouldn't have left the house, I would have been more alert, I should have felt intuitively that something was wrong and prevented that chain of events.  I know I can't do that even though I do it a million times a day in my head.  Nickie I love and miss you so very much and I just don't know how to live this life without you.  I'm going through the motions and I'm doing my best.  Your daddy is suffering daily as are your sister and brothers. Again you are teaching us something new.  We have always been Mommy and Daddy to 4 beautiful, unique and  wonderful children.  Being your mother was the most challenging thing I've ever done. I never would have known my calling was to be a nurse if I hadn't had you in my life.  I never would have had the courage. I fought hard for 24 years to make sure the doctors, nurses, teachers and therapists provided you with the best care.  I never understood why God felt I could handle the challenge but He did indeed know I could take that challenge and master it .  I know I fell short at times ( I am human) but I would do it all over again.  You molded me into the woman I grew up to be.  I had to grow up very quickly when you came into this world and I hope you know how very much I loved and continue to love you. You were my angel on earth and now you have your wings and can fly.  Watch over us Nickie.  Show yourself to me when you can.  I look for you everywhere.