One month

Today marks one month from the death of my daughter.  One month of the longest days of my life.  Bob and I are moving through our days trying to find our way.  We continue to ask why,we continue to struggle to make sense of things. I look for a sign, a feeling , something that connects me to Nickie.  Something that makes me feel like she is still with me, watching over me, guiding me.  She is of course always in my heart and mind.  I love and miss you Nickie.

What is the one thing you would change if you had the chance?

I read at blog post yesterday that asked that question.

First I would have to tell you what happened.

Today marks one month from the start of a chain of events that mark the worst days of my life.  On January 17, 2014 my beautiful daughter Nickie had a cardiac and respiratory arrest.  I was faced with having to perform CPR on my baby girl.  It is a complete fog of a memory I wish I didn't see every time I close my eyes.  I was able to revive her and we were escorted to the hospital in an ambulance.  After every possible attempt was made and Nickie was placed on ice to help reduce the swelling of her brain, it was determined on 1/20/14 that she would never wake up again.  Nickie had ceased being Nickie.  Her brain had suffered excessive damage and we had to make the decision that no parent should ever have to make.  We had to remove her from life support.  We gathered all our family together on a day that should have been a joyous celebration, on 1/21/14 my husband and I were supposed to be celebrating our 30th wedding anniversary, instead we were gathered to take my daughter off of life support and begin to say goodbye.

We were all so fortunate to have been graced with having Nickie in our lives. Nickie taught all of us so much and touched so many people with her beautiful  infectious smile, strong will to live and even when she was showing her frustrations and trying to push your buttons you just couldn't help but love her.  After several grueling days of what was utter torture for our family Nickie went to be with the Lord on 1/25/14, I was fortunate to be there holding you in my arms as you took your last breath.  It only seemed right I was there when you entered this life I had to be there when you left it.  I have to remind myself daily that she is now in heaven with my father and her great grandmother where she no longer has the challenges she faced on earth.  Up in heaven she is running free of her wheelchair and the physical and mental challenges she had here on earth.  Somehow this does not comfort me as I would rather her be here with me.

The pain that I feel daily, hourly, is horrific.  I miss her more everyday.

So if I could change one thing, it would be to change the events that lead to her tragic death.  I wouldn't have left the house, I would have been more alert, I should have felt intuitively that something was wrong and prevented that chain of events.  I know I can't do that even though I do it a million times a day in my head.  Nickie I love and miss you so very much and I just don't know how to live this life without you.  I'm going through the motions and I'm doing my best.  Your daddy is suffering daily as are your sister and brothers. Again you are teaching us something new.  We have always been Mommy and Daddy to 4 beautiful, unique and  wonderful children.  Being your mother was the most challenging thing I've ever done. I never would have known my calling was to be a nurse if I hadn't had you in my life.  I never would have had the courage. I fought hard for 24 years to make sure the doctors, nurses, teachers and therapists provided you with the best care.  I never understood why God felt I could handle the challenge but He did indeed know I could take that challenge and master it .  I know I fell short at times ( I am human) but I would do it all over again.  You molded me into the woman I grew up to be.  I had to grow up very quickly when you came into this world and I hope you know how very much I loved and continue to love you. You were my angel on earth and now you have your wings and can fly.  Watch over us Nickie.  Show yourself to me when you can.  I look for you everywhere.

RIP

9/12/90-1/25/14

New addition to our family!

I'm happy to announce last night our first grandchild,

Sterling Brennan Dolan was born!

Isn't he just beautiful!  It seems it was just yesterday my oldest son was born and now he has given us a beautiful, healthy, grandson.  Here are the happy and proud grandparents!  

Mimi and Papi!

The fun we are going to have!  I will soon get to love on and spoil this little man and send him back to his mom and dad!  

The proud Mom and Dad!  

What a beautiful family!  I can't believe how the last 1.5 years has changed our family.  First our daughter Jackie brings Jason in as our son, Shaun brings Julie as our daughter and now Sterling as our first grandchild.  In April Jackie is expecting her first child and in so little time we have added 4 family members!  

Big news!

I didn't think I would be saying this so soon... especially since I have yet to even post pics from my son Shaun's wedding.  Guess who is gonna be a grandma!  So much to do and so little time!  The new year will make Bob and I grandparents!

Happy New Year!

It was my intention to have posted the professional photos of Jackie's wedding.  In my frustrations with blogger...I spent quite some time uploading the professional photos to this blog and when I hit publish.... nothing happened.  So after several attempts I found myself going back to the beginning  of my blog and reminiscing.  It seems I have forgotten more than I remembered!  I will be spending some time in my archives so as not to forget.  But for now I am looking forward to this new year and all the possibilities!  I wish you all the luck, joy, good health and happiness in your new year!

Blessings

     Yesterday, thanks to a good friend I realized the obvious.  I am blessed to have a wonderful, loving husband (duh, right?), four great kids (duh again), a wonderfully rewarding career that touches many lives everyday and those lives touch and shape me daily and teaches me something new each day.  Finally,  I am surrounded with some of the most awesome friends and coworkers that lift me up and support me everyday!    Thank you dear friend for clearing my head and my vision, I am truly blessed to have you in my life!
     Today I am looking forward to focusing my day on my son Brandon and seeing and spending some quality time with my daughter Jackie!  We will be completing some last minute Christmas shopping and enjoying a much needed relaxing lunch!  Tomorrow a wonderful day with my husband in Richmond with lunch at Bottoms Up!
     Merry Christmas to you all!  My wish for you all, that you may be able to see the many blessings in your lives!

Jackie's bridal showerI

Yesterday I helped the maid of honor throw a beautifully successful bridal shower for my daughter Jackie!  We had so much fun with the shower games!  The wedding is just nine days away!  Today Jackie announced that she was using one of the gifts her dad and I gave her at the shower ceremony!  Several months ago Bob and I went to a Native American festival and I found a beautiful framed Native American wedding poem. Jason and Jackie both loved it so much they are using it as their wedding vows! I knew when I found it all those months ago that they would love it for their decor but now it is actually incorporated into the ceremony I love that!

This is Jackie

Jackie and Amanda, maid of honor

That's me and my girl Jackie

3 generations that's Tia (my aunt) Me, Jackie and my mom 

Stacey (brides maid), Jackie, Amanda, Stephanie (brides maid and Stacey's twin)

Overwhelmed

My daughter Jackie's wedding day is fast approaching and trying to get all the last minute things that need to be done is overwhelming me!  I have less than 2 weeks before her bridal shower and I still have so much to do.  Ten days after that is her wedding day!  My beautiful daughter is going to be a wife.  How the years have flown in the blink of an eye.   Starting a new job at this hectic time has been a challenge along with returning to school, my cup runs over. Today I am off to pick up Brandon's suit for the wedding, alterations are complete!  I must pick up items needed for the shower and try to finish purchasing the gifts I want for her. This requires a trip to the lingerie shop.  I hope I can find something without a trip to Priscilla's  not only do I find it difficult to walk in to that store but it is quite a drive from the sleepy town of Farmville. Alas I must do what I must!

New job!

Just a quick note to about a new job!  So happy to announce I am working in telemetry, medical, surgical once again!  The staff has been so wonderfully welcoming!  I am in the process of orientation to the hospital and begin my orientation to the floor next week!

2 years as an RN

Wow!  I truly can not believe it has been 2 years since graduating from RN school.  I have had many ups and downs in this career choice and yet many more ups than downs.  I doubted myself in the beginning much more than I should have.  I have decided it is time to return to school for my BSN.  It will be even more difficult this time around working full time and attending classes.  However;  I am determined!  Here is to the next chapter!